Long-distance love

Is yours the make or break kind?

 

Every woman who has been in a long-distance relationship knows all too well the pendulum of joy and pain it brings: the much-anticipated visits from your loved one;

The bursts of heaven-like paradise while you're together and the sadness that looms as that dreaded goodbye nears.

Those who are in long-distance relationships or considering it, the age-old questions flood their minds: what are the chances that this relationship will succeed? Should I even bother trying and can love really conquer all?




Family and marriage counsellor, Sis Dukie Mothiba, and her team of relationship experts at FAMSA give advice on how to make longdistance loving (or the decision to be in such as relationship) work for you.
My man has been promoted to a job in another city. What are the chances of a long distance relationship working out?

It depends on individual people. What could be an advantage to one couple may be a disadvantage to another. It will also depend on how much time the couple spends apart and what their intentions for being in the relationship were in the first place.

Normally people go into relationships with the genuine intention to make it work and last. Therefore, if circumstances change and one has to move to a faroff place, the couple will naturally want to make an effort to maintain the relationship in as strong and sound a state as possible.

It is also important to set goals for your relationship. Is there a possibility of moving closer together or being in the same city? What are the chances of formalising things at the end of this unavoidable separation?

The right purpose of a relationship will help it last. But a relationship that existed only because the partners were available and accessible to each other is not likely to stand the test of a perpetrated separation.

How do we keep our love alive from opposite ends of the world?
Clear communication is important at all times so both can understand that the separation is not bringing an end to the relationship.

When a relationship is important enough, the couple will use all modes of contact and communication: telephone, Internet, email, letter-writing, visits, exchange of gifts, etc. When together, the couple should express as much of their love as possible.

When contact is not possible, mutual trust and regular communication will keep the relationship going until the next meeting. Clear communication in terms of feelings, needs, thoughts and intention, and ongoing clarification regarding expectations is an integral part of a healthy relationship whether or not the couple lives together.

Travelling love tip: Have a regular meeting place or holiday half way between your locations. It cuts the travelling distance and cost into half.

What about the temptation which he or I may face while we're apart?
Mutual trust and commitment to each other will help protect the relationship from infidelity. When partners do all they can to keep in touch and make their partner the one important person in their life, then insecurities and temptations can be overcome.

Furthermore, a conscious decision to stick with the right principles and values will help prevent temptation. In a good relationship, partners are honest with each other and they are also constantly coming up with creative ways to enrich and strengthen the relationship.

When separation is unavoidable, the couple should use the time to do a careful examination of thoughts, feelings and reasons for their separation as well as a thorough review of the whole relationship.

If all the warning signs are there, can we still save our relationship?
If the relationship is important to both partners, the couple should work on saving it when they see the first negative sign.

What enriches the self is not to move from relationship to relationship but to find one person that you want to be a part of your life and to build an enriching relationship with him or her.

 If it isn't working out, it is still important to discuss new expectations as they emerge.

FAMSA offers specialised counselling for individuals and couples nationwide. For more information, visit www.famsa.co.za 
What are the warning signs that things aren't working out?

When the focus is more on the negatives than the positives.

When thoughts, feelings and needs are no longer shared.

When promises and expectations are no longer fulfilled.

When the frequency of the contact and communication becomes less and less.

When interest and attention wanes.

When the purpose or goal of the relationship can no longer be found.  
Have you had a long-distance relationship? Did it work? Tell us in the comment box below.

Love or crush?

Are you actually in love or are you just crushing? We look at the difference between the two…

You can’t stop thinking about him. You hear his voice in your mind’s eye. You wonder what he looks like with his clothes off. But is this love? Or just a passing fancy? Read the bullets and you decide…

It’s a crush when:
• You meet each other in the lift and you cannot think of a single thing to say.

• When someone else talks about him you can feel your face getting warm.

• You want to look cool in front of him. 

• It’s difficult to make eye contact.

• Butterflies (anxious ones).

• Your attention is suddenly drawn to his forearm and such a wave of lust crashes down on you that it leaves you blushing.

• You try not to talk about him lest anyone notice.

• You fantasise about stroking his hair out of his eyes.

• You’d be very embarrassed if anyone found out.

• It usually passes quickly, thank God.

You’re in love when:
• You can talk to him for hours and you find everything about him fascinating.

• When someone else talks about him you smile.

• You want to tell him everything about yourself.

• When you look into his eyes it feels as if you’re drowning.

• Butterflies (happy ones)

• Your attention is suddenly drawn to his forearm and such a wave of lust comes crashing down on you that leaves you blushing.

• You have serious mentionitis and can’t stop talking about him.

• You fantasise about stroking his hair for hours.

• You want to scream it from the rooftops.

• If you’re lucky it can last a lifetime, thank God.
Do you go from crush to crush? Or do you have one true love?

5 Worst Female Sex Problems

Painful intercourse, low libido, a dry vagina and more... Our experts address some of the most common concerns, with advice on how to fix them.

So far, we’ve tackled everything from your most embarrassing intimacy questions, ways to get in the mood and mistakes to avoid in bed; to expert advice for sensational nooky, blowjob tips and even tested tricks to help tighten your vajayjay!


The thing is...


•    We want you to feel fulfilled.

•    We want you to be adventurous.

•    We want you to try new positions.

But first...


•    We want you to show sexual confidence.


And, what better way than to know the answers to some of your worst sexual fears?


Concern: Painful Sex


Q: Is it normal for a woman to experience pain if she hasn't had sex for more than 3 months if so, what is the cause?


A: First I recommend you have a gynae check up to ensure there are no physical problems and no infection. Then, the easy answer to that is no, you should not be experiencing significant pain...


Click here to read Dr Eve’s full answer.


Concern: No sex drive

Q: Why do I have no desire at all?


A: There are many facets to lack of libido - both external (medication and lack of stimuli) and internal (physical and mental). Start by visiting your GP to ascertain that you are physically healthy.


Then you'll have to start exploring your body and your sexuality again. Find out what interests you. Find things that turn you on. Make yourself orgasm. Read, play, explore. You might need to see a psychologist in this phase. It can be a hard road but it is worth it in the end.


Click here to read Mrs. Miller’s full answer.


Concern: Dry vagina


Q: I know that I can use a lube, but is there a natural way of getting rid of this problem?


A: If you can rule out any medical factors then most commonly the reason you are dry is because you are not being sufficiently aroused in the moment with your partner. Perhaps you have lost attraction for him, or maybe you have no desire to be sexual with him; perhaps his sexual technique is just not doing it for you.


Click here to read Dr Eve’s full answer.


Concern: First-time sex


Q: What should I expect and what position is best?


A: Expect some pain with penetration – but who knows, you may have very little bleeding and be relaxed enough so your pain may be minimal.


Click here to read Dr Eve’s full answer.


Concern: Erection difficulty


Q: What can I take to give me an erection that lasts longer, no matter how many times I ejaculate?


A: I am going to tell you a little secret – few women enjoy having ongoing penetration for 1 solid hour. They tend to dry up, get a little bored and she cannot maintain orgasmic ecstasy with 1 hour's worth of only thrusting.


Click here to read Dr Eve’s full answer.

What sex concerns do you have? Share them below.

Top 5 health mistakes women make

From carrying heavy handbags to wearing crippling heels, here are some womanly habits you should try to break.

Wearing heels

More and more of us are opting to wear heels on a daily basis, and this could be bad news for our health. High heels affect our posture, put pressure on joints, and can lead to a range of conditions including arthritis, hammer toes, back pain and tendon injuries – and that’s before you take into account any heel-related accidents! To minimise damage, limit your heels to 1.5 inches for daily wear, and wear insoles to help reduce the pressure on joints.

Carrying a heavy handbag

With the rising number of gadgets and accessories the majority of women haul around, many of us are carrying around several pounds of weight on our shoulders every day. As a result, lots of us are also putting our long term health at risk. While you may not feel the effects right now, lugging around a heavy handbag can lead to serious back problems and neck pain as well as poor posture. Don’t wait until the damage is done – do your health a favour and try clearing out all non-essential items and switching to a smaller bag.

Sleeping in makeup

Most of us have succumbed to the temptation to sleep in our post-party makeup at some point. However, leaving makeup on overnight – along with the dirt and oil that naturally accumulates on skin throughout the day –is a quick route to clogged pores, congested skin and spots. Sleeping with mascara and eye makeup on can also affect your health by causing eye irritation, bloodshot eyes or even infection.

Matching men drink for drink

From networking drinks to first dates and social events, there are many instances when women may feel compelled to keep up with the drinking habits of the opposite sex. However, women not only tend to weigh less than men but they have less body water to dilute the alcohol, which means they tend to get more drunk more quickly. To minimise the risks of alcohol on your health, try to keep within the recommended guidelines for alcohol consumption and alternate alcohol with soft drinks.

Wearing the wrong bra size

It is thought that more than 70 per cent of women are wearing the wrong bra size. However, wearing a badly fitted bra can not only affect the look of your clothes, but research suggests it can cause a range of health problems including back, neck and breast pain, breathing difficulties, poor posture, skin irritation, circulation problems and even irritable bowel syndrome. Rather than guessing your size, make sure you get measured to ensure you are getting the support you need.

The key to great sex

Michael Kennedy says that talking is the best way to achieve great sex with your partner. See why.

What is the best tool to ensure a healthy and on-going sexual relationship? Foreplay, toys, porn? Love and understanding? Compatibility? Perhaps.

All, some or none may be used – depending on the relationship and willingness to try “out there” methods such as porn or toys – but they are not the magic potion many seek.

Many believe that sex should be kept to the bedroom, certainly not on forums like women24.com where, skande, teens may happen on taboo subjects like oral sex or solid gold dildos and become raving nymphomaniacs (clearly their hormones weren’t already working).

The plain and simple truth is this: the truth will set you free. Knowledge is power and what better way to make your sex life great than to be informed?

And by this, I don’t only means reading forums such as this, or the many websites devoted to sexuality, but within the relationship itself.

And therein lies the point I’ve been getting to (excruciatingly slowly I might add): communication is the greatest sex tool in existence.

Reading the comments’ section of the various articles, it is clear that there are many couples having little or no sex at all. I would presume that in many cases, the old “Brace yourself Sheila” was the closest thing to foreplay some women experience.

Tell Bruce to start his car on a wintery morning and take it to 200kph immediately and he’ll laugh at you. How foolish that he doesn’t realise that you have to warm up a woman as well.

So whose fault is it that Bruce hasn’t delivered a mind-blowingly orgasmic warm-up to the real deal? His for not knowing, but also yours for not communicating.

A husky voice telling you how much she likes it when you touch her like that, how wet it makes her, is likely to get her man’s attention immediately - and even more importantly – get him to do the things that makes you world rock.

Because let’s face it (and I’ll admit it), guys can be a bit clueless at times.

Treat guys like you might your vibrator (if you own one that is) – you can choose the setting that best suits your pleasure – it’s the same with guys, just tell them which setting to use.

And I don’t mean like a sergeant-major - “Yes there, no not there, faster, ok slower, now harder…” - but in that sexy voice that makes your partner feel like sex god because he’s pushing all the right buttons.

Men respond well to subtle, but clear commands. Our DNA is programmed to believe that  we always know what we’re doing (and why men don’t ask for directions).

But if we’re told in a non-threatening way, where our manliness is complemented rather than questioned, then we’ll be as pleased as punch to help you to get what you want.

And if you’d prefer to show us…. Well, that’s a conversation for another day

The rules of the sisterhood

No matter how understanding you think you are, there are certain things in life that are simply unforgivable. Murder, theft, adultery, coveting.

You don't have to be Mother Theresa to realise that these are the major ethical no no's of our society, and while most of us would love to believe in karmic payback, there simply isn't enough guarantee. The laws of moral integrity have been set in stone since day one, so how come some people find it so difficult to comprehend and abide by them?

Fortunately, the laws of sisterhood are far less convoluted and ambiguous than those featuring in Big J's little black book. In fact, the commandments of girl world are far simpler and easier to digest than any other.

1) Thou shalt not betray my trust; two;
2) Thou shalt not share or use any of my secrets against me; and last but most important, thou shalt not covet, sleep with, have impure thoughts of, cavort, flirt with, blow, brush up against, so much as even bat a drunk eyelid at any of my current or previous boyfriends.

Although rules one and two can be forgiven sleeping with your bff's beau is just nasty and will result in a fate far worse than burning flames and tortured souls.  

But just how far does this golden rule stretch? True, sneaking around behind your friends back with a former lover is about as spineless and despicable as the mothers on Toddlers & Tiara's, but what happens when the man your friend is coveting is not necessarily in your possession? Is he still off limits?

 Does the golden rule extend to the guys we're crushing on as well even if they're clearly not that into you? Should we back off and remain true to our friends or do you risk taking a dangerous leap of faith for our own happiness?  

Serena and Mandy had been best friends since their first period together back in junior high. Although they were as different as chalk and cheese in every sense, these two bestie's were inseparable.

Mandy was your typical hopeless romantic who believed in magic moments and slow motions while Serena had blossomed into an overnight siren, dripping with style, swag and sex appeal.

She could have had anyone she wanted and did, including guys that were into Mandy. The things she had done were beyond wrong but somehow she managed to convince her bff that they were always the ones making the first move.

Mandy didn't care all that much so long as Serena didn't sink her venomous teeth into Danny Shield. Everyone knew that Mandy had it bad for Danny, and even though he was involved with someone else, she waited patiently, wishing and hoping that destiny would one day intervene, driving a wedge between them once and for all. She even went as far as dating his circle of friends one by one just so that she could remain close to him.

The gods were smiling down on Mandy the day that Danny and Val broke up. It seemed as though her perseverance had paid off. You can imagine her surprise the very next day when Danny called her up and invited her to join them for a drink at the club.

Thrilled and overjoyed, she put on her Sunday bests and glammed up to the nines for the occasion. Tonight was the night that she would finally get to taste those sweet lips she had been dreaming of for the past two years. Tonight, true love would prevail and she would finally get her happily ever after...

It should have been predictable but perhaps Mandy was too euphoric to give it a second thought. What should have been the happiest moment of her twenty something life turned into her very worst nightmare.

There in the beer garden sprawled across Danny's lap sat the queen of skank gnawing at her latest victim. "Hey girl", Serena called from across the way before turning back towards Danny devouring his face with her massive lips. "Ka-Pow!" Bitch went down head first into a face full of gravel. It could have easily turned into an episode of Jerry Springer but one swing is all it took to get the message across. This friendship was officially over.

Going after a guy you know your friend is crushing on is definitely an extension of the cardinal rule. It combines all three laws and breaks them all at once.

Yes, in a perfect world we'd all be mature enough to realise that they'd probably make a far better couple than you and him ever would but until you get the green light directly from the horse's mouth, don't even think of crossing that line. In fact, never cross that line. I pity the she-devil who betrays her friend like that. Girls can be pretty mean when their hearts are on the line and just like a coven, they retaliate in packs. Before you know it, you'll end up with no friends and a bad rep that would make Judas look like a priest.

When it comes to dishonouring the laws of sisterhood, is a life of eternal condemnation really worth it? 

Herbs for health

Did you know that herbs can play a role in a healthy diet? The Herb Society of America recognizes an herb as plants that are valued for their flavor, fragrance, medicinal and healthful qualities, economic and industrial uses, pesticidal properties and dyes.



Years ago a plant was called an herb if you used its leaves but the definition today includes all plant parts. Thus garlic (a root) and turmeric a rhizome (underground stem) are considered herbs.

Some folks say herbs are “small doses of medicine” because they contain antioxidants, essential oils, vitamins and phytosterols. Many also contain anti-microbial substances. They are a wonderful addition to food because they enhance the taste of the food we eat, rather than adding calories.

Should you use fresh or dried herbs? Whenever possible, purchase or grow fresh herbs because they have the most health benefits and the best taste. If you have ever dried an herb you know how delicious it smells as it dries, but that only means that the herb’s essential oils are evaporating.

Basil is an herb common to many cuisines and is frequently sold as sprouting plants in supermarkets. It comes in many flavors — licorice, cinnamon, thai — and contains high levels of beta-carotene, vitamin A and lutein, as well as magnesium, copper and potassium.

Basil is easily grown from seed, so it is readily available. I like to preserve basil by freezing it on rolled aluminum foil. It keeps all its color and all its taste. Drying basil ruins both its color and taste. Cut basil can be stored in the refrigerator for several days if the freshly cut ends are immersed in water and it is loosely covered.

For garlic, make sure to plant your largest cloves in October about six inches deep. Dig when the leaves begin to die down in July. It’s worth it, since garlic fights coronary disease, reduces infections and is believed to be a cholesterol reducer.

You can use it in soups, with meats or in stir-fry. You can also pickle it or keep it dry in a cool place.
Please be careful when making garlic oil. It should be used immediately because it can harbor the bacteria that cause botulism.

Oregano is one of the basic herbs in Greek and Italian cuisines. It is rich in thymol, lutein, zeazanthin and antioxidants, and it is said to increase the motility of your digestive tract.

Since oregano is such a strongly flavored herb it is acceptable to use it dried, but when cooking don’t use too much.

I don’t preserve it. Instead, I just go outside at any time of the year to harvest it. In the winter it is still green under the snow.

Parsley is a biennial herb taking two years to complete its life cycle. The flat leaf parsley resembles cilantro and has a stronger flavor so it is used in cooking. The curly leaf parsley tastes better fresh.

Note that parsley is the herb with the largest amount of Vitamin K. If you are susceptible to gout or kidney stones, be careful, because it is high in oxalic acid.

SSENT Herbal Shop
www.ssentherbalandtherapy.co.za